As any SEO (search engine optimization) expert will tell you, one of the best ways to get content to show up in Google search results is to use popular keywords and phrases—the things people search for most. So if you want to write an effective blog post, try something like this…
Earlier today, Justin Bieber and Barack Obama watched The Hunger Games while discussing the Trayvon Martin case, the Facebook IPO, and sex.
“What’s the best cure for indigestion?” asked Bieber (@justinbieber) as he got into his 2013 Ford Fusion and pumped up Katy Perry.
“Who knows?” said Obama (is Obama from Kenya?), scratching his dragon tattoo and contemplating the best 2012 prom hairstyles while legalizing gay marriage and marijuana via his secret iPhone 5. “I’ve been too busy focusing on the economy, health care, and Jeremy Lin.”
Suddenly a NASCAR vehicle driven by Lindsay Lohan (what’s the penalty for DUI?) pulled up and out stepped Snooki, Megan Fox, Jesus Christ, and Kim Jong-un (they had been shopping for Harry Potter-themed engagement rings at Ikea) and proposed watching—simultaneously, on an iPad 3—the 2012 Academy Awards, the NBA Playoffs, Downton Abbey, American Idol, and funny pet videos.
“Sorry we’re late,” said Snooki. “I was busy applying to the best Ivy League schools—or, to use a trending expression, ‘planking to the Ke$ha Xbox Beats by Dre.’”
“Are you drunk?” asked Jesus. “And if so, what’s the best way to cure a hangover?”
Twilight beckoned. It was nearing 6:00, or 7:00 (when is Daylight Savings Time?), and Angry Birds twittered in the sky.
“And for that matter, how do I know if I’m pregnant?” added Kim Jong-un, whereupon everyone stopped and stared like they did at Pippa Middleton at the Royal Wedding. “Uh, I mean, do any of y’all know the best way to LOSE WEIGHT TODAY…besides being starved by an oppressive regime?”
“You mean Facebook?” asked David Hasselhoff, apparently still popular somewhere. “Because I can’t log in to Gmail, Pinterest, Twitter, and Instagram.”
“Have you tried the passwords Shakira, Rihanna, Madonna, shopping, or God?”
“Not yet. I’m still on conspiracy911.”
Suddenly, the ground shook, the skies parted, and from the heavens descended a golden search term: Kim Kardashian. “Why am I alive?” she asked. “What am I doing on this earth? And why can’t I find a job?”
“Have you tried CareerBuilder, LinkedIn, or Monster.com?” sang Adele in a decidedly non-catchy 100% amateur riff (not unlike her 2012 dud, “What is fracking?”).
“Sorry, can you repeat?” said Kardashian, the occasionally blonde brunette. “I was on my Samsung Nexus Prime with Angela Merkel solving the Euro debt crisis.”
Now it was Mitt Romney’s turn. “Listen everyone, I need a plumber…I mean, a vacation. Here’s the two-part plan: assuming the Weather Channel forecast looks okay, we should board my private plane—as soon as I get the license renewed (what are the hours of the DMV?) and strap my Nyan Cat to the roof—and kick it hardcore in Las Vegas.”
“For FREE?” asked Donald Trump. “Without cheap airline tickets or a groupon? For less than the cost of a postage stamp?”
“My treat,” said Mitt.
A BBC News reporter interrupted. “Mitt, when will the recession be over? And how do I cure depression?”
“And how do all these things affect Miley Cyrus?” added a reporter for Fox News—but not before Scientologist Tom Cruise offered, “Mental illness is an illusion, like herpes (symptoms?), cancer (how do I get one of them bracelets?), or people who don’t believe in aliens (am I eligible for an H-1B visa?).”
But the plane was off. And with Sarah Palin and Kony as pilots, the nude celebrities—by this time, they felt sufficiently comfortable around each other—flew to Vegas, a place hotter than Tahrir Square amid the Arab Spring sans Old Spice deodorant, where they reveled in games, gambling, shopping, movies, and filing tax returns with TurboTax (when do I get my IRS refund?), stopping only for a celeb charity sports tournament featuring Team One (LeBron James, Brett Favre, Maria Sharapova, Ronaldo) vs. Team Two (Tiger Woods, Serena Williams, Kobe Bryant, Derek Jeter).
“STOP THE MADNESS!” said adult star Sasha Grey, finally. “What has the world come to? Vegas, the Internet, our very lives: mired in feckless commercialism, celebrity gossip, pornography, moral chaos…”
“Agreed,” said Charlie Sheen. “A moment of silence for Whitney Houston (who died of barely legal drugs—not for diabetes, high blood pressure, or Norovirus)—and for Michael Jackson…”
“You’re missing the point!” said Jenna Jamison in support, speaking for mature women and men everywhere. “I’m sorry, but as humans living in 2012 (is the world ending?) I believe we deserve to go a full five minutes without hearing a single detail about Lil Wayne, Beyonce, or the latest Mega Millions Lottery. It’s time we all return to…”
“The simple life,” echoed Paris Hilton, “where we can finally restore our sanity (Prozac?) without having our well-meaning conscious discourse constantly hijacked by Hollywood and Madison Avenue terrorists.”
“There’s a Nicki Minaj song about that,” said Tim Tebow, getting off-track.
“No, Tim,” said Justin Bieber (known, again, as Justin Bieber). “Without getting all Occupy Wall Street, Paris is talking about life’s imponderable questions. Like: why did the Titanic sink? How do I delete my cookies? And: what is Glee?”
Hearing him, everyone aroundthe world stopped for a moment. And thought.
It was a moment like no other, when mankind paused at last to ponder life’s ineluctable mysteries, including their own mortality. Then Lady Gaga arrived. And the world was good.
For more time-wasting tech humor, follow @justinbelmont or subscribe onFacebook. You can also email at justin.d.belmont-at-gmail.com.